Design Your Life By Making Better Choices: Evangelist for Success

Life is simply a sum total of the choices we have made. As Zig Ziglar said, “You are free to choose, but the choices you make today will determine what you will have, be and do in the tomorrow of your life.”

That may seem a little daunting, when we do pause in our journey through life’s many twists and turns, to consider how we actually make choices. Choice of career, choice of spouse, choice of investment, the list goes on. Is it by instinct or “gut feeling” or do we actually analyse the important decisions we make in life? Or do we get so paralysed by fear of making the wrong decision, that we simply abdicate from any responsibility and just leave it to “fate”?

A case in point was a young man I was coaching recently. He has been working in a financial institution for several years now. Armed with a Bachelor of Science degree from NUS, he had several options when he first graduated. So how did he make his choice, I asked him. Was it what he really loved to do? I’m afraid not, as he did not have a clue what he would really like to do with the rest of his life! No, instead he looked at which job paid better, he also asked his parents and a few friends for their opinion, and of course, the answer came from their beliefs as to which job was more “stable”, has better prospect, and so on.

Certainly not a wise way to make decisions. Yet, who can take him to task for how he embarked on choosing what direction to take for his life then? Were any of us taught how to make choices in school?

Or are we taught to go the safe route, to live with compromise, as we would have plenty of that?

For those looking for a job, or perhaps are at a crossroad as to what direction to take for the rest of your life, here are some thoughts on what not to do when making choices:

Don’t attempt to weigh all options

This is what I used to do – make a “pro’s and con’s” list for each option and then set about analyzing what’s the best thing to do. All that happens at the end of the process is: we simply end up more confused that when we first started off!

Don’t think of all the things you don’t want

When thinking about what career to go into for example, don’t waste time thinking what you don’t want to be doing. Instead, focus on what you do want to do and what job is ideal for you. As the saying goes, what you focus on expands. Similarly, don’t focus on solving problems. If you keep focusing on your problems, and what you don’t want in life, that is exactly what would expand!

Instead use a creative approach – think about what you want in life and focus on how to create that for your self.

I remember an incident when I was still young and struggling with my business. One day I was sitting in my office, shuffling all the bills and cracking my head which one should I pay first with my limited resources. Then, a friend – much older and wiser than me came in, asked what I was doing, and when I shared my dilemma with him, he opened my desk drawer, pushed all the bills in and said to me, “Now go out and make the money you need!”

There are three types of choices that can help take you forward – primary, secondary and fundamental choices.

Primary choices are choices you make with regards to major results e.g. “I choose to be financially free in five years’ time.” Meanwhile, secondary choices that can help you take a step toward your primary results. In the above example, a secondary choice to support the choice to be financially free may be to build a second source of income, or perhaps to set aside money for investment.

What about fundamental choices? This is something not many people are aware of, but it is indeed crucial if you want to be really successful in life. Whereas a primary choice concerns itself with specific results and a secondary choice supports those results, a fundamental choice has to do with a state of being, or basic life orientation.

A fundamental choice is the foundation upon which primary and secondary choices rest. It is not subject to changes in internal or external circumstances. An example could be the choice to be true to oneself.

The schools do not teach us how to make choices in life, but it is a skill that can be learnt and once mastered, can help us live a life of our dreams.

Have you ever had that day when events came up not the way you’d expected? When things were not going the way you’ve wanted them to. When people whom you thought were on your side are now in an opposite camp. When everything seems to be going wrong. People whom you love and respect irritate the heck out of you! When everything that cannot go wrong, went wrong and everything else sucks. Whoa, I am in one right now.

I liken it to a perfect storm. It’s like a bright sunny calm day, when the ocean looks so inviting to take the boat out. After sailing for a while, black clouds suddenly appear from the horizon and are rushing fast towards you and your 100-footer boat. You have gone miles out in the ocean. The ocean turns choppy and starts to boil and waves are rising up from 10 to 50 meters high. You try to turn around to head back to land. The engine starts to splutter, choke and die. You jump to your radio to give the distress call to the coast guard. No response. Meanwhile you are tossing around in your boat with a dead silent engine. Imagine a matchbox being tossed around in water. You have run into a perfect storm. You wish it was a bad dream. But it is not.

At that point of time you are helpless. You can only wish that all these are not happening, but they are. Now what would you do?

I am experiencing a ‘perfect storm’ situation today. Fortunately, it’s not at the ocean. But right now, everything is not going as expected. The natural tendency is to blame someone and look for causes that create this unpleasantness. I am disappointed. I feel disgusted at the attitude of some people and appalled by the way they are thinking. I feel I have done so much for them and are not the least appreciated. Anger, yes anger swells within me. I want to lash out back at them.... But no, I am better than this, to allow a ‘perfect storm’ situation to overcome me.

I sat and reflected for a while what I should do. Calm came. When calm is in control it does not matter if there is a storm outside. After a while I began to forgive them and to love them. They are what they are, perfectly normal and behaving just the way they are. I have to rise above the situation. I must not be sucked in. Just like the ocean, the water, the wind, the waves, the clouds, they are what they are. At normal times they are beautiful. But on a day like this, they can cause havoc and create perfect storm. If I allow it to suck me in, I’m a ‘goner’. It’s part of life experience. And as long as I am sailing in the ocean, this is what I have to expect. What matters is to survive when each storm jumps up on me. I’ll survive when I remain calm, take corrective actions, and respect the elements.

There is always a perfect storm. It’s not just up to the mercy of the elements - the ocean, the wind, the waves, rain, and the current but it has to be the captain of the boat, i.e. me who has to read the signs and steer the boat so as not to sail into a perfect storm. I am responsible. No other person can be blamed. It’s I who chose what I did. The others are just the elements, like the elements in the ocean that create a perfect day or a perfect storm.

That’s the lesson I learn.

I was sitting in a café of a bookshop enjoying the quietness of a late afternoon and reading a newspaper. After a while, I realized someone was standing next to my elbow. Without a word she placed a laminated typewritten letter across my table. Apparently she was deaf and dumb. I reacted spontaneously, shaking my head making a No gesture without looking up. She left (of course without a word).

In less than 10 minutes she returned to my table (I don’t know whether she remembered or not that she had shown me her card before) and put in front of me the same piece of laminated letter. Again, I shook my head - No. She left. This time I looked up following her with my eyes as she made her way out of the café. I watched her for a while. She was a young girl of about 18 years of age. As she was walking away, I noticed she was nonchalant about her lack of success. She was swinging both her arms like a small playful girl going out of a candy shop. She disappeared from my sight.

After I had finished my drink, I walked to the bookshelves. I bought some books and went back to the same place I was sitting. As I was browsing through the books which I had bought, I didn’t realize someone was in front of me. I looked up and saw the same girl with her laminated typed written letter in front of me! Again with the same response, I shook my head gesturing NO. As quickly as she appeared, she disappeared among the shoppers.

As she went off, I felt bad about my attitude. I felt lousy. I could have helped her or at least read what’s on that letter. But I had allowed my irritation at being disturbed from my peaceful reverie to get the better of me.. I stood up and turned around but she was no longer in sight.

I waited for a while thinking that she will come back and perhaps I could see where I can help her. She didn’t. I waited a little longer, still she did not appear.

What haunted me a little was her clear innocent face. She was asking for help and I regretted that I had not responded. All of a sudden, it dawned on my awareness that I could have been that girl, asking for help and being ignored. How often has that happened in my life and how bad I had felt each time! And now, I had it in my power to make someone else’s day by a simple gesture that would have cost me nothing significant, yet I let it slip away. It would probably have made my day too! I also recall that a lot of people had made my day in the past – I truly regret that I did not do the same for that girl.

Very often so many opportunities are lost in our life just because we are so engrossed in our own world. We tend to forget that other people’s world is just as important to them, and inevitably we are intertwined as our paths cross. We tend to have this attitude of “what’s in for me”. ‘Nothing for me – Buzz off! I have made a decision to change that around so the first question I ask people I meet will be, “How can I help?”

The key to success is not to do everything yourself. It is a shared responsibility.

The real measure of success is how well you are able to sell the dream of success to others so they can aspire for greater heghts. The ability to give hope that they can be better than what they are today. The ability to help them to go way pass mediocrity.

To me this will be my greatest contribution in life. It is not just about making money. It's about building a society that is able to generate prosperity, friendship and knowledge.

When I pass on, it is not the money or wealth that I have made in this lifetime.
But it is the friendship that I've come to value and the knowledge and experience that I have gone through in this journey (the ups and the downs).

It's about the impact - large and small - that I have helped in one way or another in the life of someone, that he or she is better than what they were before they met me. They don't even need to remember me. (But it would be nice if they did!)

Success to me is not what I have achieved but it is what I can contribute with what I've achieved.

I sincerely hope you can do your part to make this world a better place, and enjoy prosperity, friendship and knowledge.